the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
