I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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