so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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