I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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