:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
