I'm gonna have a badass scar
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
