I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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