Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
