she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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