My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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