community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
