WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
