i always forget guys have bellybuttons
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
