he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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