I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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