He uses pillows to masturbate.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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