For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
