I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
