My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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