I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
