do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
