I have demons in me.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
