I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
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i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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