her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
