I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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