Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
