I'm sorry my penis didn't work
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
