Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
