Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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