I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You can't special order awesome
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
