I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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