ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
