Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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