meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
