He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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