It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
