I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
