Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
