So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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