I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
