i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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