she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
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there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Ladies don't puke and tell
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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