I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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