On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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