So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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