maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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