I wanna bring you to show and tell
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
