My first STD was from a foam party
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
