how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
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He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
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Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
is that a dick in a sweater?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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