quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
