Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
