May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
