I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Randomize
