sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
