What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
