I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
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I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
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I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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