Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
where are my eyebrows?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
